Disturbed

mind playing tricks again?
It creaps up on you
envelopes your heart and mind
clouds your perception
the world turns green and red
and you want to dig for the truth
IT is a tricky and deceptive thing
gotta hold my horses
watch and observe
stomach flipped and lurched
heart slammed against rib cage
blood rushed to my head
wondering
thinking
perplexed
disturbed

intrigued

Havne't got time to post anything recently.. managed to squeeze out time to post on the cell blog about our trip and it took me to 1 am.. gosh. http://theabccell.blogspot.com/

read on someone's profile.. 当天空落泪时,懂得安慰天空的人, got me thinking for a while... profound manz..

not through with me.

i'm so happy... finally i'm crying because i'm touched cos i sense God's presence.. tears of joy, tears of happiness if there is every a thing like that..

During worship, all i'm thinking is i wanna fall in love with jesus all over again, and if i hadn't i would want to.

and the song goes "my Closest Friend" i know i should committ all things to Him first.. Seek Him for all things and seek man for answers.. think i've been seeking man too much.

Third thing He showed me, actually He told me before my roots are not deep enough, foundation is not deep enough like my recent bout has just proved to me loud and clear. never will i let Him go, cos i need him and i love God.

God is not tru with me i know He is not, and i'm so glad he did not stop loving me nor stop moulding me.. every word He say to me is so precious and thing he point out to me i didn't wannna forget.

4th thing i wanna do, pray for my cell folks if they need after service.. and i wanna make it a personal thing to come about half an hour earlier to cell to pray, will be good if they wanna join me..

soome of us (benson, ray,ruby sylvia, candy arthur) watching Facing the giants at candy's plc, one thing in the show "god has placed you where u are to bloom, and you do't move until God says u do" so whereever god placed me, i'm going to do the best for Him, especially as ACL..

I'm so looking forward to my retreat this week inKL 8th to 12th. heard it's 6 star hotel hahha.. great.. since i always stay backpacker or 2 star hotel haha.. but since the recent bout, it'llb e wonderful and excellent to throw everything aside and soak myself in God's presence and word.. God i'm so looking fwd to it!

shiok day.

It finally feels good to step out of the house this morning.. Finally the rain falls and the wind blows and u feel the cool wind blowing against your face. Now and then a slight drizzle, but it feels like oasis in the desert.

Read in yest ‘s devo.. need to have endurance and perserverance.. It’s in the analogy of the author trying very hard to wipe of the marks off the computer screen with a lot of effort and Joshua urged to lead Israel into the Promised Land. Don’t’ just stop outside, press on and move in once you’ve caught a glimpse of what God showed you.

I think I’m better somewhat at overcoming my fear of sparring. In which in yesterday’s class, I had so much fun 1 hour flew by just like that .. went in with a mentality, okay I’m here to just overcome my fear of sparring and whacked, if the competition team want to chiong then good for them also =) think it’s a lot better without any pressure at all hehehe.. but Thomas was so funny. The way he punch me was so light and cartoony.. think he trying very hard not to hurt me heheheh .

I think I think of the most ridiculous things when I do taekwondo.. every time I do a warm up I looked down and I’m thinking damn I need a pedicure. And when I execute a hand strike or something I look at my hand and I go, damn I need a manicure.. when master rivas was demoing something and clutch my heel I’m thinking damn , thankfully I just did my foot scrub.. so bimbotic!

fireproof, moulding, Hip Hop dance

watched the Movie Fireproof in church last friday.. really good show.. laugh and cry a lot .. lots of values too..

not too pushy, and very realistic the way the guy was so against the message initially.. "how do you keep loving someone who keeps rejecting you?" the main character meant it in reference to his wife but the msg towards Jesus is so ept to..

"never leave your partner, esp in a Fire" true both as a fireman, and in a relationship..

sigh.. this makes 4th sunday in a row i'm crying super hard in a service... in fact today i bawled so hard pastor bee had to come and ask me wat's wrong.. talked about it. .. and prayed about.. helped to set my mind straight .. still a moulding time from God.

With God, He will help me tru.. every tough time is a time to know God more and differently and the sun will shine brighter after..

On a different note, took up hip hop dance.. first lesson today.. super fun, and warm up the same i did in tkd, never felt so fun b4 hahhahha

Recovering Mode

Recently in a super bland mood. I'm not longer feeling as moody or angry.. though i'm still angrier than an average person.. actually till now i dunt know why the bouts of depression come about. i mean there are issues in life but i dont' think they warrant a full blown breakdown like i had recently..

I'm still trying to get back my walk back on track with God, not going as well as it shoudl be, but i'm coming back. Asking God to show me and do a revamp and cleandown of my spritiual life and my heart.. Think there's a lot to clear..

Had a lot of thoughts reading both John bevere's bait of saitan and Under cover.. God has been prompting me now and then..

Meanwhile hope my friends can tahan with me more while i recover

moving on

think i can stop being angry le.. no point, not worth it. just gotta open my eyes bigger when i make friends next time..

but i think God has other issues to deal with me.. He really has a list of them i think, He has been nudging me abit here and there.. but i'm not sure i'm ready to ask Him or listen to what He has to say..

Although a misunderstanding was cleared.. but i'm not doing emotionally well still.. that was just the final straw.. like the innocent skier's harmless action triggering a huge avalanche waiting to happen and be unleashed..

i still dunno why my down time happen, don't know why i feel so depressed, all i know is this equation always happen on me.. my temper is inversely proportionate to my prayer/walk with God.

Thankful for family who gives me space and understands, thankful for cell mates who understands me, allows me to be human and be who i am without judging me too much.

tired

I've never felt so spiritually tired for a long time, guess i've been holding it in for a long time. I told God i can't seem to pray for long and i can't seem to do much and argument with sis in the morning totally drain me out even though i don't show..

went to service earlier so i can catch some proper time with God. along the way to church i told God, i'm too tired and i've too much negativity and anger within me. the moment i sat down in church in god's presence i started bawling and crying. i've never cried so hard fora long time. i figured the best plc to cry in God's presence is in church cos no one would blink an eye on it.. And no one would bawl so hard unless God's presence is very real.. and i thank God that He is there with me.

On a totally separate note.. had a superb time catching up with Haz, 7 hours flew by in an instant, and hugh jackman is woo hoo! in wolverine..

caught a great acoustic video of keith urban..
http://music.yahoo.com/promo-42778155-54-20090420-autoplay

Eye Problems

Aye, stupid eye keep giving me problem. The bladeless Lasik eye is still too dry and now because the PRK eye is also too dry, the eye lid keep “pulling’ on the surface which is healing or “exfoliating” end up last few days my eye hurts like hell, red and tearing non stop. This morn go see doc again had to put back the contact lens in my left and tear duct in my right.. aw shucks.. irritating manz..

back to work + weddingssss

wah. finally back to work.. been off since 29th.. so many things has happened.. looking forward to retreat inKL in June.. hope my boss dunt kill me..

went furniture shopping with my sis... sec sis getting her flat.. eldest sis getting married.. jade just got proposed, xb just got his flat and dinner date, yvonne attending marriage workshop, ray looking for house , haz kid 1 year old, jsut attended another friend wedding on fri.. wah liew... so many siah damn sian..

anyway had a great time catching up with ash, xuanzai, LF and aaron in silin's wedding.. boy i feel like going aaron's father's vineyard for a walk and see siah.. or enjoying the great busking atmosphere in Fremantle..

take on american Idol 2009

okay, have to admit, the first full episode of American Idol i caught is the top 4 results show yesterday.. didn't have the time to catch every episode on TV, but i caught the past video performances on the official sites

i have to say i like danny's voice, reminds me of bryan adam's.. sexy voice. Like his disco week's of September though.. really grooving and got his own style..His studio version of Dream on is awesome!! Adam's voice is strong for rock but he seems to sing every genre like a rock song.. but his zed song is really strong and flawless though.. and actually, he does every song perfectly and wonderfully and Kris, ooh is most like an idol, smooth voice good looks charisma, engage the audience..Kris blew me away with his rendition Donna Summer's "She Works Hard For The Money." Love it when someone could do a remake of an original well and his charisma and confidence shows off best here... every theme he has done well even in "All she wants to do is dance" and i love it when one can play more than 1 instuments... :)

so my own conclusion... I would love kris to win and i would love to hear danny on radio more.. !

lasik..

it's the start of my lasik week.. pray for me that it'll be successful.. feeling a bit anxious..

so far the first one has been pretty successful.. except that the first machine they wanted to use couldn't fit my eye, so that got to change machine and manner of operations.. which was cheaper anyway.. so far it's recovering well.. my vision seems to be coming back on my right eye..

but doc told me that my left eye (the problematic one) can't work on the normal lasik anymore since my eyes are too tight for the original machine, and complications are higher cos the suction is less likely to stick watever it means.. so i need to do PRK, surface cornea treatment.. in lay man's term. it 'll still give you vision w/o specs and lens but takes longer to heal (about 2 weeks) and it's more painful..

Oh watever, I don't have much of a choice now, do it?

weekend..

wah my Hols is so long it feels like 4eva.. thurs on leave to take driving.. and i have to declare.. I PASS!! yeah!! no more $ flowing out no more chionging for driving lessons hehehe =D then went tampines one with my mum shopping queen.. and i hardly got opportunity to bring her out so good time give her a treat.. think she was v happy that day gave her a treat at Say cheese.. good service pretty good food =) want to spend $ bring her along sure got clothes to buy.. spend 100 at G2K for 2 pants.. and 1 top i've been wanting to get =D come back at night went for drink with ZL since i'm in a good mood..

sat had cell as usual then went tanglin mall to eat. for some of us, loads of memories from that place.. long time never go there le.. but kevin was funny siah.. keep teasing ruby's sandwich is expsv roti john hehe

and for the second sunday in a row i had gone for a music performance.. last sun was ben and his friends at a studio for their jamming.. this sunday was andy's symphony orchestra at esplanade.. think its beautiful.. i know nuts about classical music.. but i still feel i'm taken on a journey.. from a soothing peaceful ride to a panic attack as though i'm being chased after to a sad heart wrenching moment to a dance in the ball room.. it might not be what the piece is about , but that's what i felt.. anyway hope for best as they represent singapore in japan. jia you!

Fill your mind with things of God not Man

More solemn mood today.

Seek not the interests of Man, but that of God. Do you seek the praises of Man more than the praises of God? Do you fill your mind with things of this world more than the things of God? These suddenly came to my mind as I was listening to worship songs while working. I believe Holy Spirit is prompting me on certain things I need to be careful of in my life…. Think I should listen more worship songs than my rock songs … Fill my mind with the things of God and not of the world. Seek First His Kingdom that’s what God told me that time.

Received an email on what they have termed genocide in Sri Lanka. No matter whether the killings have reached a level to warrant the term genocide or not, but it’s nonetheless equally disheartening that once again there are governments who would not hesitate to kill their own ppl cos of race or political reasons. And what’s more disheartening is the fact that there’s a general disinterest by the world at large in the affairs of those affected. Especially in a climate when people are more interested in their own economy and rice bowls, it becomes an out of sight and out of mind issue for loads of folks. When I googled for genocide, was surprised to find the list of genocides that had happened that escaped my notice. Probably I was too ignorant and my history was poor, but was surprised that some genocides weren’t too long ago like say the Holocaust or Khmer Rouge’s regime’s killings. But they happen in the 90s like the bosnia and Rwanda case.

Anyway, let’s not dwell too much on topics like that.

aye. saya harus lebih belajar bahasa saya, mungkin pergi indo gereja?

Fun weekend =)

it's the monday work blues dun feel like working let me talk about weekend syndrome again hehe

Friday finally went to the long heard about aston grill to cellebrate our april babies ZL and Jadie girl.hehe poor benson queued 1 hour for it while i squeezed in some training .. ben n jerrys plus cake which was nice though =) funny ppl.. not our first day knowing and nt the first day some couples are together, but that night became a gruelling tell all session of how they know their partners hehe . had a couple of girls only shots and the only gp photo!

sat was lasik.. went h ome late cos had a drink with zl.. so anxious about my assessment keep waking up eveyr hour... but finlaly i was eligible! but different treatment cos of my scarring in left eye...looking fwd to next week for a brand new me! yippie!!

sun.. had an interesting session watching ben and his friends jamming.. damn his drumming is really good and i'm blown away by his keyboard.. sheeze he is a talent manz... now i'm addicted to warmness of soul which they played.. all of them can multi play many instruments which is amzing.. leader makes a good front man.. good looking and have the arrogance.. good to attract girls from the stage. hhahha .. its a good time for me to try n understand informal bahasa though.. which is shiok.. =)